Two Years: Part 1 - PAIN

This week marks the two year anniversary of the birth and death of my son, Andrew Lindsay Farmer. His actual birth and death date was August 8, 2007. This post is one of three that I will be posting this week to my blog. It's important to me that I acknowledge these special dates and milestones, though they may bring tears, they also bring joy. I want to honor the life of my child, however brief it was - if that means pain, then I prefer that over not talking about him at all. Because really either way, the pain is always there. If you choose to mask it, that doesn't mean you still aren't affected by it. I choose not to mask my grief, because if I were to do so, there is a chance it would also mask the life of my precious boy. And I've learned that through the grief, there really is beauty. A beauty that I've experienced and want to share with you. But before the beauty, there is darkness - also known in my world as the pain of a mother longing for her child - and so that's where I begin.

I do pray that God will use what I'm about to write the next several days to "strike a chord" with you - whether that comes as an encouragment or wake-up call - I trust a seed will be planted in your heart. Because ultimately, there is a purpose in this and God promises that His purposes will prevail.

If I could see you today...

If I could see you today
I'd hold your face in my hands
I'd kiss your forehead, nose cheeks, mouth, ears and chin
I'd kiss your hands and then bring them up to my face
I'd smell you - just breathing you in
I'd look into your face and smile
I'd cuddle you in my arms and kiss the top of your head
I'd study you - every wrinkle, curve and hair
I'd hold you so close, with your cheek next to mine and just be still

If I could see you today
I'd want to hear your voice
I'd want to watch you sleep
I'd want to take you on a walk
I'd want to roll around on the floor with you
I'd want to giggle with you
I'd want to share a popsicle with you
I'd want to dance with you

If I could see you today
I'd tell you that I love you
I'd tell you that you are important
I'd tell you that you changed my life
I'd tell you about your daddy
I'd tell you about your brother
I'd tell you about all the people who love you

If I could see you today
I'd ask you if you knew me
I'd ask you if you missed me
I'd ask you about Jesus
I'd ask you about Heaven
I'd ask you about your Grandma Dee Dee

If I could see you today
I might understand life better

If I could see you today
My heart would be full again

Oh how I long to see you today